For Cassie: Recovery
by kr3ativ23
Summary: The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.
1. Purgatory

For Cassie: Recovery

The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.

* * *

 **Purgatory**

It had been just about a year later. It had felt like time both flew past and went painfully slow depending on your point of view. It was strange. Strange to think that it had been almost a year since her death. Since his life spiraled out of control and was reeled back together. He had been back at the lab for four months. While to his coworkers it may have seemed as if Nick had his life back together, he still felt uneasy.

Nick had completed his anger management, and he was still participating in AA. He was kicked out of the two first Alcoholics Anonymous group for not sharing before finally landing in this group. Nick was still not sharing as much as the Father Thomas, the group leader, would prefer. What the problem centered at was why Nick started drinking in the first place. Nick refused to tell, saying it was not important because it is not what brought him here, and when pestered he would shut down. Nick still denied the fact that he was an alcoholic but he remained sober. 10 months sober, but he still struggled. He carried a brave face but he still grieved. He tried everything to get rid of the pit in his chest, and the sadness he still felt. He went and saw a psychiatrist but it was short lived, after she diagnosed him with anxiety, depression, possibly OCD, PTSD and anything else one would find a mental health bowl of alphabet soup. Not only, did he now feel crazy but the pharmacy load of medicine made him feel like a zombie, so that too was short lived. Nick had good intentions, he wanted to feel better. He knew he had people to talk too, between his family at the lab to Doc Robbins' wife Judy, his sponsor. He did not need someone new to talk too, he needed someone to fix him, he thought.

Nick was not sure initially if he wanted to come back. He did not think he could come back. Nick was arrested, even though his record was expunged, everyone still knew. His coworkers, and the public. However the public spoke and made their thoughts known. They supported the Son of Las Vegas. There were Facebook, and twitter pages, all supporting him. The public and the department forced Ecklie's hand to give Nick his job back. It made Nick feel uneasy. He felt resentment towards his job, but he couldn't help but feel safety and security with his place at the lab.

Lab life for Nick had not changed, much. He fell back into the groove of things so smoothly it was like he never left. His smile, leadership, and witty input was something that was missed, and valued. He had bad days, where he was miserable, lethargic, and aggressive, but he thought he was still adjusting back to lab life. Everyone else may have disagreed but they would never tell Nick. Words of how Nick felt about how the team treated him after his abduction still stung. The team was determined not to let history repeat itself. They all made sure to keep a watchful eye on him, especially now with Cassie's anniversary nearing. DB more so, because he was not sure how the team handled Nick before and given that the Robbins were going to be out of town for th anniversary.

Nick on his way to the observation room to look at some overalls from the double homicide that he and DB were working. Sara was in there working her own case.

"Even with all the technology we have, I still prefer to use the old elmo." Nick said pulling out the old school projector.

"It belongs in a crime museum." Sara teased.

"It works... Unless the bulb is blown." Nick said disappointed seeing the burnt bulb inside. He put the machine back and sat on a nearby stool as he got a text message from DB. Sara looked up from her photo seeing Nick staring off, lost in thought.

"You alright?" Sara asked leaning on the table.

"Yeah..." Nick said rubbing his face.

"Are you sure?" She asked. Nick smiled as he sat back down shrugging his shoulders.

"I'm okay." He smiled before looking down at his hands. He picked at his nails as Sara just watched. "Listen, I know her anniversary is coming up..." He said lifting his head to meet her gaze. Sara freezes as she was caught off guard.

"I know. How do you feel?"

"Like everyone is watching me. DB is following me, checking up on me. I know everyone is watching me, waiting to see what I'm going... Waiting for me to mess up... Again." Nick said honestly.

"Nick, you know that, that's not true." Sara said but Nick just shrugged his shoulders. His phone chirped again with another text from DB.

"I gotta go. Our car is ready. See ya." Nick said smirking as he left.

After shift everyone gathered in the break room as they finished the last remnants of paperwork before calling out of service. Nick and Greg were busting each other's stones about the recent Ronda Rhousey fight.

"She is a beast. 34 seconds. Crazy." Nick said admiringly as he signed his paper.

"She could knock you out." Greg said.

"Greggo, she could do more than knock me out." Nick smirked.

"Easy boys." Morgan chuckled.

"Who has to go to trial for the Brunson murders?" Finn asked reading her subpoena. She looked up to see everyone with their hands raised. "Why'd we all get called it was Greg's case?"

"That's how Lyker is. Smug shark attorney. He's just gonna try to attack the evidence." Sara said punching out.

"Wanna go to Frank's for breakfast and go over the case? My case, my treat." Greg said everyone smiled. The team agreed but Nick remained silent. They all started to head out.

"Nick, you coming?" Sara asked noticing that Nick had fallen silent.

"No, I gotta go... I gotta be somewhere. Next time, rain check?" He said smiling. Sara nodded.

Nick sat mindlessly at AA. His thoughts bounced between what groceries he needed to pick up, and the upcoming football season. He got a sudden craving of Mac and cheese but he was certain he didn't have any milk at his house and if he did he was sure it was spoiled. Maybe Sam needs food? No, he just bought some.

"How are you, Nick? You've been quite." Father Thomas said removing his glasses.

"I'm fine." Nick said shrugging his shoulders.

"Isn't the anniversary of your friend's death in a week or two?" Father Thomas said, Nick stiffened right up.

"It's next week..." Nick said quietly.

"What are you feeling?" Thomas said but Nick shrugged his shoulder not saying anything. "Really? Isn't that what what led you to having to come here?"

"I guess... I don't know..."

"Well, how does that make you feel?" Thomas asked but Nick did not respond. Nick's mind was very complicated. In order to get to the root of the problem required finesse with questions, be ballsy enough to call him out, a gentle shoulder to cry on, and understanding of his complicated mind.

Nick returns to his absent mind thinking, but he can not think straight. The meeting ends and he makes quick work of his chair hoping to leave the meeting quickly. Just as he made it to the door he heard the Father call his name.

"Nick, come here." He immediately hung his head and walks over as if a child going to the principal's office. Nick followed the father into his office.

"What?" Nick said unable to hide his annoyance.

"I don't think the group sessions are working. You sit in silence. You barely share. I question your intentions, why do you come to these meetings if you don't want to participate?" Father asked Nick groans.

"Are you kicking me out?" Nick asked.

"No, I think you're a confused young man... But I think you wanna get better not matter how hesitant you are. However, with that being said I don't think group session are best for you. We should set one one one sessions. I think it would be a good time given the fact that your sponsor is going to going out of town." Father Thomas says studying Nick's face. Nick had no poker face as he showed his displeasure.

"I... Umm..." Nick said unsure of what to say.

"You've been coming for a couple months now. You aren't as far as I would like you to be even if you've been sober for almost a year. I think we need to get to the root of why you started drinking."

"Why? Who cares why I started drinking?! I'm sober now! Isn't that the point of all of this. I'm here because I have a shitty coping mechanism not because I'm a drunk. I lost someone important and I didn't handle it well..." Nick said rubbing his face trying to get his bearing back, he didn't want to lose his temper on the old man. "I'm sorry, Father."

"How are those anger management classes going?" The father said unphased by Nick's outburst.

"Fine... You're right, I wanna feel better... We can schedule a session."

* * *

Please Review! Sorry, this took so long. I hope you like it. Let me know!


	2. Insouciant

For Cassie: Recovery

The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.

* * *

 **Insouciant**

Nick goes home and is excitedly greeted by Sam. He gives Lauren a quick kiss before wrestling on the floor with Sam. Throughout everything Sam hadn't left. That maybe because he was just a dog but he was Nick's best friend.

"So, I talked to my parents and they wanted to go out to dinner when they come to town and wanted to know if we have any suggestions?" Lauren asked but Nick did not respond as he continued to wrestle with Sam. "Nick?" Lauren said frustrated.

"What?" Nick asked smiling as he continued to pet Sam.

"Where should we go to dinner?"

"I don't know, babe. They're your parents. You know what they like... I'm sure, wherever you pick will be fine." Nick said hoping to not upset her, but it was to late judging by the look she gave him. Lauren finished putting her hair up.

"Well, I'm going to be late for work. I'll call you later." Lauren said kissing the top of Nick's head as he sat on the floor next to Sam.

"See ya." Nick said as Sam rested his head in his lap. "Hungry?" Nick asked Sam as he peeked his head excitedly. Nick fed Sam and jumped into the shower.

Nick and Lauren had went on a couple dates about a year before Cassie's death. After Lauren heard about everything that has happened she reached out to Nick, and tried to uplift his spirits and be his friend.

Something was different though, Nick thought. It may have been his own insecurities but he felt like she liked him too much given the circumstances. Nick gave the relationship a shot, he thought he really couldn't do any better. He was not exactly husband material. The problem was Nick was not sure if he even liked Lauren. He appreciated everything she had done, but Nick found her incredibly annoying, and to make matters worse he was certain that she did not like Sam.

Nick turned the water and got out. He wiped the mirror and contemplated whether he wanted to shave or not. He noticed the pale scar on his hand and a couple bumps. Two surgeries. That's how many it took to fix his hand. What a waste he thought, on a stud. Nick released a sigh as he put a pair of boxers on and hopped into bed with Sam following.

Before Nick knows any better his alarm is going off and he's right back in the frontline. He purposely leaves early so he wouldn't see Lauren. Nick knew that if she came home before he left that he would be late. She would complain about work and get frustrated when Nick wouldn't listen.

Nick punches in, and grabs his gear. He heads to the break room to check his gear. Nick watches the news. The terrible events and an empty room made Nick feel compelled to put on sportscenter. The team slowly started to come in and followed suit by checking their gear.

"Hey Greggo." Nick said eating a bagel.

"What's up? Check this out, man. This guy tries to pick a fight with me at the gas station." Greg said still a little frustrated.

"No way. What happened?" Nick asked pleasantly surprised.

"I fueling up and this guy almost hits my car. So, I let him know. I was like, hey dude watch out. He comes out of his truck and is cussing up a storm... I think he was high away, the shop owner gets involved. I finished pumping gas. This guy's card gets declined, and he floors it out of there just to get pulled over by Akers." Greg laughed as did Nick.

"I hate to break up your small talk but it's time to get back to work. Sara and Morgan double 419 off on tropicana. Greg arson with a plus one. Finn possible SANE case. Hospital reported it, they need you to complete the rape kit." DB said handing her the case slip. DB looked over at Nick, who was smiling at him leaning back in his chair.

"Oh gee, boss, I guess it's me and you... Again. I'll meet you in the garage." Nick said sarcastically.

Nick and DB arrive on scene of a double, which seemed to be today's theme I'm the crime fighting world. The house was in disrepair, and looks like it had been kept like that for awhile. There was a male DB in what appeared to once be a pool of blood that was absorbed by the dirty carpet. The male was very dirty, very skinny, and his head was deformed with several bumps, and lacerations.

"Where's the other vic, Sup?" Nick asked taking a couple photos.

"In the room in the back." Super Dave said. Nick begins to take overalls as he made his way back.

"White male. No ID. If I had to guess maybe in his 20s. Appears to be malnourished, clothes are dirty. Track marks in both arms and neck. COD appears to be repetitive blunt force trauma to the head and body. He has multiple skull fractures. I haven't spend much time with the female. No ID, roughly the same age. I'm not sure of COD. No visible trauma." Super Dave reported.

"Dave, what are these sores are his mouth and chin? See these." DB asked as Super Dave stood up to fill out paperwork.

"Speed bumps." Nick says returning to the room. DB looks confused at the slang. "She had them too. He's a tweaker. Place is a dump. He's rail thin, and there's old gatorade bottles. My theory is rocket man was cooking. Him and another tweaker get into it, while they were cooking. Fumes killed the female and maybe this guy. Or this guy was beaten to death." Nick said, as he began looking around for more tubes. Nick opens cabinet and some bottles fall splashing there juice on Nick and Super Dave. Fumes began poring off the liquid.

"Everyone out! Get out!" Nick yelled. Everyone ran out of the house, nearly tripping on eachother as they escaped. Nick stripped his shirt off and worked on his pants as he ran. Super Dave followed suit.

* * *

Few moments later... The state's clandestine team was preparing to go in the home. Nick and Super had just finished being deconed. Nick sat in the back of the truck holding a holding with new pants on, Super Dave wore a baggy jump suit. Super Dave was still shook up while Nick was on his phone and eating a sandwich. DB had a lot of thought running through his head.

DB watched both Nick and Super Dave. Super Dave as shook up while trying to assure his wife that he was fine. Nick looked relaxed, or very comfortable enjoying the time off. Super Dave's reaction was not dramatic but rather expected, DB thought. DB knew Super Dave was dealing with it. DB still worried about Nick. DB worried that Nick was bottling it up again. Nick appeared emotionally numb, DB thought. DB knew that Nick may deal with it another time or in another way. To each their own, but DB still expected some type of reaction. DB moved to sit next to Nick.

"You alright?" DB asked as Nick took a bite of his sandwich.

"Yeah... Lauren took my extra shirt out when she cleaned my car." Nick said swallowing. DB could see that Nick was looking at buying car parts. "Lauren needs new brakes."

"Oh... Nick, that was great what you did back there. Good call." DB said, Nick looked at him confused.

"Good call? Who knows what that tweaker had in bottles or if he even had a good recipe? It coulda killed us... Did you expect me to do something different?" Nick said confused but defensive. DB opened his mouth but Nick brushed him off. "You know what nevermind, don't answer that... I'm going to look for a shirt." Nick said putting his phone in his pocket leaving. As Nick was leaving his phone began vibrating and the ID read Father Thomas. Nick immediately groaned before taking the call.

"Stokes."

"Hey Nick, how are you?"

"I'm good, Father. How about yourself?" Nick said signaling to the nearby firemen he needed a shirt.

"I'm good, thanks for asking. The reason I called was because I want you to come by after your service." Thomas said, Nick sighed.

"Don't you got like a morning service or something?"

"Dont worry about that. I have time for you and I want to talk you. Do you remember what we talked about?"

"Yes, yes. Okay, I'll come by after my shift."

"Okay, see you then."

"Yeah." Nick said taking an extra shirt from the firefighter.

After a few hours of observation the state team released the CSIs and Super Dave. The car ride was incredibly awkward. Super Dave replayed the events. There was an uneasy tension between DB and Nick. Nick tried for there not to be but he couldn't help it. Once they got to the lab they parted ways.

"Aye, sup, call me if you need anything." Nick said. Nick and DB walked together, and DB hoped to ease the tension.

"Was that your dad that called?" DB asked.

"What? Oh... Sorry, no. It's Father Thomas, he's the guy that runs the AA." Nick said nonchalantly.

"Oh, I didn't mean to pry." DB said but Nick smiled at him.

"You did, or else you wouldn't be babysitting me."

"Nick..."

"DB, I'm not an idiot. I see what you're doing. I understand what you're doing. I don't like it, but I get it... Now, I gotta go turn these prints in so that Mandy can run them. See you tomorrow." Nick said feeling himself grow frustrated with DB.

Nick leaves the lab, reluctantly heading towards the church. Nick stops at the local gas station for coffee even though he was quite confident that his anxiety was going to keep him awake for awhile. He remained very skeptical of therapy and AA. As he pulled into the parking lot of the church he sees Father Thomas sitting on the stairs waiting for him.

"Oh, this is gonna suck." He said to himself before getting out.

* * *

Please Review! Sorry for the wait. I have plenty in store for you in this story.


	3. Expression

For Cassie: Recovery

The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.

* * *

 **Expression**

Nick sits down in Father Thomas' office. Nick felt slightly anxious as he tried to get comfortable. Nick looked around, trying to learn as much about the father as he could before they began. Nick knew that he was sizing up the father like he was in an interrogation.

"No couch?" Nick chuckled.

"No couch," Thomas said as he sat across from Nick. "How was work?"

"Good." Nick said nonchalantly.

"Just good?" Thomas asked.

"Just good."

"What's a good day as a CSI?"

"You survive... Anyway, what do you want to talk about?" Nick said feeling like he wanted to leave. Nick knew he was going to shutdown and didn't want to shut down before they got started. It would've been a waste of time.

"You're almost a year sober? That's a big deal."

"I guess so,"

"Why are you still angry? I can see that you still carry a considerable amount of anger upon your shoulders. Why?"

"Damned, if I done everything I've suppose to do to feel better and I don't. I work out. I come to these dumb meetings. I finished the anger management classes. I stopped drinking. I feel no changes." Nick said angry.

"If you think the meetings are stupid why do you drink? Why stay sober?"

"I have to keep my job."

"Just the job?"

"I have no wife, no family... a girlfriend I can't stand, and this job." Nick said but Thomas' gaze was unforgiving. "I don't want to lose control of myself, and I don't want to feel like I did when I drank."

"Why did you start drinking? In general."

"Because I have a crappy coping mechanism... That's what the shrink I had to see said." Nick chuckled. "I thought that if I could drunk I'd relax. In no way did I think I'd go on a rampage like that. That's why I drank, I hoped I'd just pass out."

"Are you sorry for what you did?"

"No, not really. It wasn't worth it."

"What do you mean?"

"After everything that's happened I should've just killed him. I was in the hospital longer than him... It wasn't worth it."

"What if you had killed him then what?"

"I'm not sure. I'd probably be in jail or a nut house. I don't know." Nick said picking at his pants.

"When did you start drinking?"

"The moment I found out she was dead. I went home and raided my own cabinet, and didn't stop until I was arrested."

"I know that. But, how old were you when you first had a drink?"

"What does that matter?" Nick said stiffening up.

"You want to feel better right? This is how we do it. This is how you release the burden that has been weighing on your soul and mind." Thomas pleaded with Nick.

"I was nine... Almost ten." Nick said looking at the ground.

"Nine. That's very early. You were a child. Why did you start?"

"I remember that anytime my dad was mad or upset. He'd sit in his study with his whiskey and after a couple drinks he'd be fine. I stopped at like thirteen. My father caught me, and gave me old school behind the tool shed whooping." Nick said scratching the back of his head.

"When did you start again?"

"I don't know. I drank sporadically throughout high school, and then joined a fraternity in college, so." Nick said growing slightly uneasy.

"Nine years old is very young. Why did you start?" Thomas asked and Nick became anxious as he wiped his sweaty palms in his pants. Thomas feared that Nick was going to have an anxiety attack. "Nick?"

"What? It's not important. That's not what got me here. I got really upset and binged drank, and held some scumbag at gunpoint. That's why I'm here!" Nick stands and rubs his face. He takes a couple deep breaths and begins to calm down. "Listen, Father, I'm sorry. I'm really tired. I have to go home and try and get some sleep." Nick said heading for the door.

"Nick, whether you think it's important or not. It is. This was only a matter of time and when you realize that is when you will begin to feel better." Thomas said. The words stung Nick's ears as he left.

Nick got home and he and Sam went for a run. Nick was still on edge after his session with Father Thomas. Nick knew that he never had a foundation for his feelings. Never a good coping mechanism, but he always dealt with things and moved over. Was he dealing with them or pushing them aside. Nick never knew the difference until now, but was not sure if there was a difference. Nick made it back and went home and was tired enough to go to sleep.

However, shortly after he fell asleep he heard yelling. At first he thought it was just a nightmare as he jumped awake, but he continued to hear it. His mind still groggy but his body was awake. Nick shot out of bed and grabbed his back up weapon out of his end table. Nick ran out to his living room to see Lauren yelling at Sam.

"What's wrong?" Nick asked confused.

"Sam destroyed my heels I was going to wear... Nick, why do you have the gun?" Lauren asked as her eyes grew wide seeing Nick standing in his boxers and gun in hand.

"Why are you yelling? For gods sake, Lauren. I thought something was wrong." Nick said upset as he turned around to put his weapon back.

"Nick, you have to discipline that damn dog!" Lauren said but Nick ignored her as he got comfortable in bed. Sam was a police dog. He knew what he was doing. "How was your day?" Lauren asked rubbing Nick's back as she joined him in bed.

"It was fine. How was your day?"

"It was good. I'm sorry, I scared you."

"It's okay."

"My parents are going to be here tomorrow. They want to go to somewhere nice." Lauren said hoping to lead the conversation and get some involvement from Nick, but he turned away pushing the pillow under his head.

"Whether you pick will be fine." Nick said sleepy. Nick felt Lauren leave the bed. He could tell that she was frustrated but he was too tired to care as awful that sounded.

The next day, Nick was at the lab. He was having trouble focusing. He was still tired, between fighting with Lauren and his own uneasiness, made for a rough night sleep. Luckily, work was uneventful. The meth house was still unsafe, so paperwork kept Nick in the break room. Nick laid across the couch reading reports getting lost in his own thoughts.

"You look bored?" Sara teased as she made a cup of coffee.

"I am bored. I wish someone would commit a crime. It's too quiet." Nick complained.

"I can't believe you just said the dreaded q word. Not cool." Sara said smiling. Nick chuckled. "How are you doing?" Sara asked.

"Tired, but good... I think. I'm meeting Lauren's parents tomorrow."

"I didn't know you were that serious."

"Me either." Nick chuckled. Nick and Sara made small talk. They talked about their cases, their dwindling love life, and rumors. Nick felt has nerves go somewhat at ease. At the end of shift Nick went to DB's office.

"Hey Russell," Nick said knocking at the door.

"Come in, Nick."

"I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I understand what you're doing. Hell, I'd do it if I was in your place. I know that... The anniversary is right around the corner. I don't know if my word means anything anymore, but my head is on right, and my mind is getting there but I'm not going to do anything stupid." Nick said rubbing his hands on his pants.

"Nick, I appreciate you saying that. I still value your word." DB said coming around his desk. "I am not babysitting you. I'm trying to be there if you need support. We want to set you up for success."

"I know."

"I was gonna go get some breakfast. Would you like to join me?" As they both left his office.

"Thanks, but I gotta head home let Sam out. Maybe next time?" Nick said, DB nodded.

Nick stopped at the local plaza to get gas. Nick's truck was a gas guzzler no matter of the gas prices going to the pump always hurt. However Nick still waited until his tank was almost empty before getting fuel. Nick took a walk to the local deli. He could smell the aroma of something delicious and it made his stomach roar.

"What can I get for you?" The deli owner said wiping his hands on his rag.

"Turkey sub, with homemade soup." Nick said, the man behind the counter nodded walking off as turned up the radio slightly.

"It was Christmas in Las Vegas..." Nick heard the radio sang. Then everything went warped. He could not make out any noises, it was like Nick was being shot into space or underwater. He held onto the counter in fear he would drown. Everything felt like it was in slow motion, except for his heart, which he was sure was going to beat out of his chest and run away. His vision was blurred, and had a murky green glow. He looked down trying to gather himself. Nick knew what was going on, but he was still scares. He did not want to have a melt down in the deli, but it seemed inevitable. He studied his boot when he noticed something crawling up his pant leg. It was an ant. The longer Nick looked the more he saw. Nick swatted at his pant leg trying to knock the imaginary ants.

"Sir... Sir!" The butcher yelled. Then everything stopped. Nick looked around and he could hear the the butcher yells, and see everyone staring at him. "Your food." He said showing Nick the bag. Nick handed the man a twenty taking the bag with shaky hands. "You might wanna sit down?" The butcher said concerned looking at Nick who was pale and sweaty.

"Turn that crap off." Nick said pointing to the radio as he left.

"Change?" The butcher called out but Nick waved him off. Nick leaves but does not go home. Nick pulls up to Doc Robbins house. He sees Judy in the garden.

"Hi Nick," she says smiling taking her gloves off and greeted him with a small hug. "You feel alright?"

"I brought food."

"Come sit. What's up? How are you feeling? You look a little pale." Judy asked.

"I got a little shook up earlier. I'm just getting my feet on the ground." Nick said giving her some of his sandwich.

"What happened?" Judy asked.

"I'm not exactly sure. One minute I'm ordering food next minute there's ants crawling on me and I'm in the nuclear apocalypse." Nick said stirring his soup.

"You're still having flashbacks?" She asked Nick nodded and motioned his hand to signal so so. "I knew you didn't like it, but maybe you need to go back to that therapist?"

"For what? So, she can label me with every mental illness she can think of, no, thank you." Nick said wiping his mouth. "I mean I see and talk to you. I have the group, and I just started doing one on ones with Father Thomas. I have enough people to talk too."

"Okay... So, what were you doing when the flashback started?"

"I ordered food..." Nick chuckled. "I heard a song on the radio, and I guessed I remember the time I was kidnapped and my mind blanked out." Nick said going into deep thought.

"But, you know why you had flashback?"

"Yeah, but I haven't had one like that since I was first kidnapped."

"How are you feeling, now?" She asked smiling.

"Better." Nick said genuinely.

"Good," Judy said smiling. "How's Lauren?"

"She's good... I think."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know... She puts me on edge, and not in the good way. I feel like she likes me... Sometimes. She likes the idea of me but I'm a burden. I know, it's different than before."

"You let her move in."

"I know, I thought it was a good move. I thought I liked her."

"What about now?"

"I don't know,"

"Is there someone else?" Judy asked giving him a look.

"No... No way... I can barely keep myself happy, how can I keep two women happy, or even one?!" Nick chuckled.

"Do you think that you moved too quick with her?"

"Eh... Maybe. I've never made good decisions when it comes to relationships. My mind was in such a funk... I don't know. Hindsight is 20/20." Nick chuckled.

"Nick, you know that Albert and I are going out of town. Are you going to be okay here?" Judy asked very maternally.

"Yes... Absolutely. You have been nothing but good to me. I want you to have a good time with Al. These one on ones with Father Thomas are going to help. I'll be alright."

* * *

Please Review! What do you think?


	4. Grounding

For Cassie: Recovery

The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.

* * *

 **Grounding**

Nick goes for a quick run with Sam when he gets home. He was feeling good. Talking with Judy always helped ease Nick's nerves. Nick gave his relationship with Lauren serious thought during his run. She was good to him. She understood the inconvenience of dating a recovering alcoholic. Nick was not in the point of his sobriety where he could trust himself around alcohol in his free time. Work was one thing, but going to parties where everyone was drinking and having a good time. Nick was not there, yet. Lauren would go to events alone, or if Nick did go they did not stay very long. She put up for a lot.

After the run and Nick goes home. He and Sam settle in and take a nap. After a couple hours it was show time, Nick thought. Nick got dressed in his black slacks and began to iron his lavender shirt that he knew Lauren loved. Nick sent Lauren a text telling her he was awake and to send him the address.

"It's good nerves, Sam." Nick said as Sam got comfortable on the bed. Nick heard his phone chirp as he tucked in his shirt. He looked over at his phone and his heart fell. He recognized the address immediately. He fixed his belt as he tried everything in his power to control his rage that was boiling within him.

Nick arrives at one of the more prominent wineries in Vegas, and if Nick remembered correctly they had a great draft selection, too. Nick scratched his head as his hands began to shake as he walked inside. The aroma of wines and the drafts made Nick smile. Nick saw Lauren waving at him from down the way.

"Hey there. You look nice." Lauren said hugging him and taking his hand. "Nick, this is my mom, Kelly, and my father Harold." She said resting against Nick. Nick shook their hands.

"Nice to meet both of you." Nick faked a smile.

"What a lovely place you picked." Kelly said smiling as she hung on Harold in a similar way.

"Excuse me?" Nick chuckled.

"Lauren said you picked this place out. It's quite nice. Lauren is a little shutterbug never leaving her house." Kelly teased.

"If you'd excuse us for one minute." Nick said trying to remain joyful but struggled. Nick pulled Lauren aside.

"Is this about the shoes? Or... Or because I didn't help with your parents coming over?" Nick stuttered as he was unable to control his anger.

"What are you talking about?" Lauren said annoyed.

"Don't play dumb!" Nick yelled causing heads to turn. "You know that it's not a good idea that I'm here!" Lauren rolled her eyes, and Nick felt something inside snap. He remembered everything from his anger management classes. He did not want to get in trouble. "I'm done." Nick said calmly as he turned and left.

"Nick, stop." Lauren called after him. She chased after him and caught him in the parking lot. "Nick, you need to talk to me!" Lauren called out grabbing him making him face her.

"Don't touch me. What did you think was going to happen?" Nick asked watching her puzzled mind. "Your stuff will be on my porch."

"Are you serious? After everything I have done for you. Are you serious?" Lauren argued and Nick waved her off. "You need to say something to me!"

"Like, what?! You brought me here. You threatened my sobriety! I told you I was not ready for places like this and you bring me here anyway! Are you serious, Lauren?!" Nick yelled sarcastically back her. Lauren threw her cup of wine in Nick's face.

"Good luck finding someone that is going to put up with with you," Lauren said as Nick tried to wipe the wine from his eyes and mouth. When Nick finally cleared his eyes. Lauren was gone.

* * *

Nick sat in the lockerroom, staring holes into his locker. Nick picked at his hands. He had an overwhelming amount of thoughts running through his head. Nick felt slightly relieved that his relationship with Lauren was over but he didn't like the way it ended. He was still stunned that she threw her wine at him.

"Hey, how was the dinner?" Sara asked taking her jacket off.

"Terrible." Nick said scratching his head.

"Really, what happened?" Sara said seeing Nick look emotionally drawn.

"She set up the dinner at a winery. We argued. She threw her drink in my face and we broke up..." Nick said rubbing his eyes. "What's wrong with me?" Nick whispered.

"Nick, nothing is wrong with you." Sara said touching his shoulder. Nick chuckled as he stared into his locker.

"Sara, I'm a mess. I should've seen this coming." Nick said shaking his head. He heard Sara's phone chirp. "What's that?"

"It's Greg... Our car from our hit and run just arrived at the garage."

"Go. I'm alright."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, besides I'm waiting for DB so we can go back to the meth house. Go, I'm serious. I'm okay." Nick chuckled.

"Call me if you need me."

"Okay." Nick said smiling as she reluctantly left.

Nick takes a deep breath. He tries to remember and practice the calming techniques he has learned but he feels no relief. Nick sees his hands begin to shake and he quickly grows angry with himself. Nick knows it is counterproductive but he can't help himself. Nick begins to replay his argument with Lauren and his thoughts start to take off.

"Hey Stokes." Hodges says as he opens his locker.

"Hey." Nick says fighting his brewing anxiety attack.

"So, I brought my mother to look at new condos. Her lease is up, and she isn't looking at renewing it but all the places we've looked at she hates. So..."

"Sorry, Hodges, I have got to go." Nick said his voice shaky.

"Oh..." Hodges said as Nick nearly tripped as he left.

Nick goes to the roof hoping that the fresh air would help ease his nerves and knowing that no one would be up there. The door stuck so you always ran the risk of being stranded on the roof but Nick didn't care about that right now.

"What's wrong with me?" Nick muttered repeatedly to himself. He knew he was only making it worse but he felt himself slowly losing control of himself and the situation. Nick grabs the brick wall and looked over the edge looking at the ground several stories below. Nick feels himself start to hyperventilate as his hands get tingling and feels a new tightness in his chest. Nick felt himself starting to explode with all emotions.

The next thing Nick knew he felt someone grabbing him and pulling him away from the edge. Nick stumbled and fell, and was face to face with Mandy, the quirky labrat. Nick immediately felt embarrassed but still had no control as he held onto Mandy's arm as if he was dying. Mandy looked at him briefly confused but then had a calming look on her face, as she stroked his forehead.

"Breathe with me." She said softly. Nick nods as he follows her instruct. "In through your nose, out through your mouth." She said softly. Nick nodded still uneasy.

"Okay, okay..." Nick said his voice shaky. Nick slowly began regaining control of his breathing but his grip on Mandy did not loosen.

"I want you to tell me five things you see."

"Wha... What?" Nick stuttered in a shaky breath.

"I want you to tell me five things you see." She said softly and slowly. Nick furrowed his brow.

"I see... You... Clouds... Birds..." Nick swallowed hard. "A plane... Part of the... MGM grand." Nick said slowly starting to feel better.

"Four things you can hear."

"You... Traffic... Sirens... Your phone..." Nick said realizing he probably broke her phone when he fell.

"Three things you touch."

"You... The ground... And this rock." Nick chuckled as he took a deep breath. He sat up loosening his grip on Mandy,

"Two things you can smell."

"You, and Vegas." Nick smiled as he took another deep breath with Mandy.

"One last deep breath." She said taking a deep breath with him. He still was shaky but not as much as before. They sat in silence for a couple minutes as Nick was able to get his composure.

"Thanks."

"Feel better?"

"Yes. I don't know what happened. It came on so quick." Nick said scratching his head, as his hands shook from the aftermath. "Can you, ah... Not tell anyone about this?" Nick asked sheepishly. Mandy gave him a look.

"Okay, but you should talk to someone about it." Mandy said, Nick nodded. "I'm serious, Stokes." She teased and Nick smiled, and nodded.

"Okay, Webster." Nick smiled as he made it back to his feet and helped Mandy to hers. His phone chirped, and saw a new text message.

"You sure you are going to be alright?" Mandy asked seeing Nick study his phone.

"Yeah, DB is telling me that our meth house is ready to look at. Processing a scene will give my mind something to focus on." Nick said opening the door for her. Before they parted ways Nick pulled Mandy into a hug. "Thanks." He whispered before leaving.

* * *

Please Review! What do you think? What do you want to see?


	5. Blast

For Cassie: Recovery

The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.

* * *

 **Blast**

Nick and DB arrive at the meth house. It was strange that a house that was under so much supervision was now left alone to a uniform fresh our of the academy.

"First day by yourself?" Nick asked as they walked towards the residence.

"Second day solo, sir." The fresh boot said smiling big. Nick smiled and nodded at the young man as Nick stood behind DB. DB studied the door. Something was not right.

"Anybody go inside?" DB asked puzzled.

"No... Err... Not since I've taken post which was at 0600."

"What's up, Russell?" Nick asked.

"Window is broken and the seal looks like has been tampered." DB said, Nick looked at the window and saw what looked to be fresh blood.

"DB, you carrying?" Nick asked as he unsnapped his holster. DB shook his head "Boot, you're with me." Nick said. DB broke the tampered seal and they cleared the house.

"Code four." The boot called out.

"Clear." Nick reciprocated. "Aye, DB, trail leads out here." Nick called out and DB studied the trail.

"What would you like me to do, sir?" The boot asked fearing he was going to be blamed.

"Get some more uniforms down here. The crime scene has been tampered with, and I want the entry log available ASAP." Nick ordered.

"Nick!" DB called out and Nick returned. They began following the blood trail. "Blood isn't coagulated. This is a fresh trail."

"Pretty ballsy to put a meth lab in a residual area." Nick said taking in the scenery. They were not in a nice residual area but people still lived nearby. Many buildings were abandoned and rundown.

They arrive at a chain link fence with fresh blood stains on it, they look past the fence and see a few droplets scattered about. They study the abandoned building and by what's was left of the sign it looked to be an old mechanic shop or auto parts store.

"You first." DB said to Nick. Nick groaned as he climbed over the fence nearly falling in the process. DB followed suit with Nick's help. They continued to follow the blood trail as if playing hot or cold.

"Looks like a fresh lock." Nick said touching the unlocked padlock. Nick opens the door slowly. Flashlight in one hand and weapon in the other. The building looked abandoned, except for some old cement barriers.

"Here we go." DB said kneeling behind one of the barriers to pick up a bloody piece of glass. Nick stood from behind DB as he heard some rustling in the back. Nick holstered his weapon.

"Hey!" DB heard Nick call out. Nick heard a loud pop and a gust of wind that had the power of a turbine engine. He felt himself get lifted off the ground as he shielded his eyes from the burning heat he felt. Then everything went black.

" _Aye, we need some more shots!" Warrick called out to the bartender as he put an arm around a very much intoxicated Nick. Nick was not sure how many drinks he had, or how exactly he ended up here but that's why going on with Warrick was fun. With Warrick you could end up in another state, start a bar fight, or go home with a beautiful woman, and everything in between._

 _"Yeah!" Nick cheered as he and Warrick did another round of shots._

 _"Yo, man, the redhead is checking you out." Warrick said pushing Nick in the general directions of the redhead. It was a miracle that Nick did not fall as he stumbled to her._

 _"Let's dance." She said pulling Nick onto the dance floor. The woman made her intentions clear as she shook her bottom against Nick._

 _"Nice..." Nick said as he moved his hands to her waist. The redhead turned around and planted a sloppy kiss on Nick. Nick pulled her close as they stumbled into a nearby booth._

 _Once in the booth Nick feels out of breath as if the wind got knocked out of him. The redhead kissed his Nick as he turned to get some much needed air. He tries not to ruin the moment as he begins to cough. Nick smells cigar smoke. Bad cigar smoke. When Nick opens his eyes there is a man no more than six inches away from his face blowing his cigar at Nick. The man was disgusting. He looked strung out and his scabs all over his face. Nick tries to turn but feels like he's stuck in the cloud and his movement was limited because of the redhead on his lap._

 _"Man, knock it off." Nick said waving the smoke out of his face. He watched the man take a big puff and blow it back in Nick's face. Nick opens his mouth and the man sucker punches Nick. Nick felt like he was falling with nothing to reach out to grab. To help him._

Nick coughs himself awake. The room is incredibly hot. The room spins around. Nick called out for DB as he pushed off the debris that was on him. Nick had terrible ringing in his ears that was all too familiar. Nick could not hear his own voice. Nick made his ways to his knees as he stumbled. Nick shielded his face from the flames. Nick sees DB laying motionless until his own pile of debris. Nick crawled towards DB falling several times before reaching him.

Nick yelled to him, and shook his chest. DB remained unresponsive. Nick felt for a pulse and felt a weak carotid pulse. Nick saw a small blood pool forming behind his head. Nick tore at his shirt sleeve and used it to bandage DB's bloody head. Nick stood but immediately fell. Nick struggled to get to his feet as he looked for an escape out of this inferno. The building began to rain down debris and Nick shielded DB. Nick looked around once more after debris storm stopped knowing that another wave was bound to strike.

Nick stood again grabbing DB's jacket dragging him to a nearby window. It looked to be there only means for escape as the flames spread. Nick kicked out the window and picked up DB the best he could. And squeezed through the tight window. Nick drags him as far away from the building as he could. Nick stumbles tired, sore, and dizzy. Nick tries to drag DB further but is too dizzy and too weak, as he continues to stumble over himself.

Nick reaches for his phone, but it fell apart in his hands. The ringing in his ears turned to a stuffy warped noise. Nick crawled to DB and shook him again. Nick sees a crowd beginning to form.

"Go inside! Call... For help!" Nick begged as he shouted trying to disperse the crowd. Nick began to feel very lightheaded and fought to stay conscious. Nick hears another boom and the tremendous heat against his back as he shields DB's unconscious body. Nick hears warped yelling. Nick pulls his weapon on the scared rookie only to drop it. Nick starts to see double, as he shakes his head. "DB... Please wake up." Nick says shaking him again.

The rookie comes off and touches Nick and Nick immediately pushes him away as he continues to try to wake up DB. The rookie forces Nick to look at him even though Nick saw stars.

"We have to go!" The rookie yells in Nick's ear. The rookie grabbed DB and began to pull DB even further away from the building as he feared that it would explode again. Nick stands and staggers for a few steps. Nick falls to all fours as he was too weak and dizzy to walk and to sore to move. Nick feels someone pick him up by his arm, but before he could look he struggled to keep his eyes open as they fluttered shut.

* * *

Please Review! What do you think? How will the team and Nick bounce back?"


	6. Afterburn

For Cassie: Recovery

The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.

* * *

 **Afterburn**

Finn and Sara rush into the ER. Last they had heard that Nick and DB were both still unconscious. They knew about the explosion and that Nick and DB were injured. Firefighters were still battling the blaze. When they get inside the walls are lined with officers and Ecklie was in the epicenter. The rookie office was getting checked out of too just for precaution.

"Ecklie, do we know anything?" Finn asked worried.

"They're getting checked out now. The cause for the explosion is unknown. Officer Koban said that someone had tampered the crime scene and DB and Nick were following a blood trail. Koban says that he stayed at the scene and called for back up. He says shortly after that he heard the explosion. When he got there he saw Nick dragging DB out of the building. There was a second explosion and Koban and some bystanders got them away. The state clandestine team has taken over so it maybe meth related." Ecklie said as Sara rubbed her head.

"Excuse me, Sheriff Ecklie?" The doctor said.

"Yes. How are they?"

"Mr. Stokes, is awake. However appears very groggy. He has a concussion, and some minor bumps, burns, and bruises. We are going to keep him for a neuro consult, and for observation. Once he gets settled in ill have the nurse come back and get one of you if you want to visit with him. Mr. Russell, on the other hand, is a little more serious. His injuries were a little more serious. We don't know how serious just yet. He's currently having an MRI of his brain and neck. It does appear now that he has a skull fracture and that may be why he hasn't regained consciousness. Once I know more. I'll let you know." The doctor said leaving.

Sara and Finn sat down. Ecklie joined them as he typed like a mad man on his phone. Whispers of the media lining out in front. Even with the high speed traffic of being in a busy Vegas ER time felt like it was going blistering slow as they worried about there friends. Then as if like a gun shot they heard yelling. Sara jumps out of her running towards the noise.

"Sara?" Finn said following. Sara knew exactly who was yelling, and as she turned the corner she saw Nick fighting with the hospital staff. He had pulled his cervical collar over and pulled out his IV and was putting up one hell of a fight... Naked. Whether the doctors or ems or even the explosion had removed Nick's clothes, they were gone.

"Get off of me!" Nick said trying to push and punch anyone in his sight. The doctor came pushing Sara and Finn out of the way.

"What's going on?" The doctor asked.

"I came in to check vitals and he started mumbled and then he started acting like this." The tech said holding Nick's arm down.

"Mr. Stokes, my name is Doctor Yang. You are at University Medical Center. You were injured during an explosion. I need you to calm down." The doctor said hoping that that would help calm Nick but it fell on deaf ears. "Let's prepare four milligrams of Ativan for IM." The doctor said as the nurse prepared the medication. "Mr. Stokes, we are going to give you something to help you relax." The nurse gave Nick the injection in his shoulder.

Nick continued to fight but slowly stopped. He held on the railing resting his head against it. Nick was able to look around and realize where he was, and what had happened. When he first opened his eyes, there was a stranger standing over top of him, and Nick didn't know what was going on. Sara pushes past the doctor and kneels on the floor to get eye level with him.

"Where am I?" Nick said slurring his words as he felt overwhelmingly tired.

"You are at UMC. Do you remember what happened?" Sara said and Nick nodded as he rubbed his face. The nurse put some oxygen on Nick as he hung his head on the railing.

"How's DB?" Nick asked lifting his head up to make better eye contact with her.

"He's still unconscious. Doctors are running some more tests." Sara said softly. Nick nodded as he held his face and cried a little.

"Sara... I thought he was dead. I couldn't get him to wake up." He said as Sara helped him lay back as he was more relaxed.

"The doctors are taking care of him. Just rest, okay? I'll tell you when I know something." Sara said but Nick shook his head no.

"No, I'm fine... Find me pants..." Nick said trying to hoist himself up but starts to grow incredibly sleepy. Even though Nick worried terribly about DB he felt at peace. He felt no anxiety. He felt relaxed as he fought to stay awake. "I'm okay." He said, Sara held his hand unsure if he was saying it to himself or asking her.

"You're okay." Sara said as Nick took a deep breath. Nick studies the ceiling before falling asleep.

Nick awoke a couple hours later. He still felt groggy, but otherwise was okay. He signed himself out against medical advice. They brought Nick a pair of old scrubs to change into, after Nick threatened to walk around naked. Nick felt his anxiety slowly creeping back up but he was able to keep it at bay. Nick and Sara joined the rest of the team.

"How is he?" Nick asked as he walked with Sara.

"I haven't heard anything new." She said Nick nodded. They joined the rest of the team.

"How are you feeling?" Ecklie asked. Nick felt as if his brain was still in a fog.

"I'm okay. How is Russell?" Nick asked slowly melting into a chair. Nick felt anxious but his body was tired.

"The doctor just went to talk to his family." Ecklie said. Nick looked down at his hands and saw them trembling. While Nick's brain went act an alarming speed, his body wanted to sleep. Even with he medication Nick still struggled to relax. The team stood as DB's wife came out to them.

"How is he?" Finn said.

"He's awake. He's resting now. It looks like he had some minor bleeding in his brain, but it looks like it has stopped... It looks like he will be here for a couple days." Barbara says as she then scanned the room. "Nick?" She said walking up to him.

"Yes, ma'am." Nick said holding his emotions together.

"DB says... Thank you. I want to tell you thank you." She said tearing up. Nick could not speak in fear that he'd turn into a weepy mess. Nick nodded. "Once he gets his strengths up. He will have you visit but it's very important that he rests. He told me to tell you, not to worry about him and get back to work." She chuckled as she wiped her eyes. Everyone smiled relieved.

"Barbara, if you or DB need anything..." Ecklie started. Barbara nodded.

"Thank you." She said as she went back.

Nick thought he would feel relief hearing the DB was okay but he felt the upset. He was incredibly jittery and felt the pressure of the world on his chest. Nick continues to rub his hands on the back of the scrubs hoping that that would ease his shaky hands but it did not. Nick felt ask if everyone was looking at him and the walls were closing in on him.

"I have to go... I need air." Nick said in a shaky voice. Nick went down the stairs and headed for the down. He heard footsteps behind him and knew that it was someone who cared for him. He knew he should stop and talk about how he was feeling but he could not and decided to run. He felt he needed to escape.

"There he is." Nick heard just as he walked through the doors. He turned his head to see where the voice came from he saw a flock of reporters and camera men coming towards him as he was blinded by a flash.

Nick shielded his eyes as he tried to push his way through the crowd. He felt like he was in a thick sea of journalism as they bombarded him with questions. Nick was able to swim to safety in the shape of a rundown taxi.

* * *

Please Review! What do you think?


	7. Failure

For Cassie: Recovery

The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.

* * *

 **Failure**

Nick slammed his door shut. He ran his hands thru his hair several times. He paced around his living room. He felt like he could not breath, like the world was squeezing his chest. He tried to calm himself down. Tried keeping the impending anxiety attack at bay, but it was proving too hard given his already battered state.

Nick changes out of the scrubs. His body begins to ache so his usual escape from his feelings would not work. He was too sore to run or so any type of workout. He struggles getting into a pair of pants and falls on his side. He tries and tries to get up but his trouble. Sam runs over licking Nick's face.

"Stop it..." Nick says repeatedly pushing his companion away. Once on his feet he went to the bathroom hoping that if he splashed some water on his face hoping it would bring him back to reality. However, he felt nothing change as he began to feel angrier.

Nick tries to go for a run but it doesn't help and his body is too sore to workout. Nick abandons his idea for a run, and settles for a walk. His mind continued to wander. Nick hopped on a bus, and continued to wander lost around downtown. He was unsure where he was or how exactly he got here. His legs became weak as his chest got heavy. He sat down on the curb. He looked up and saw his old drinking spot in front of him. His head became heavy. He had plenty of good memories of this place. He hung his head feeling like a failure. He couldn't help but remember...

 _Nick takes a long thirsty drink of his last beer as he sat in his truck as he stared at the house that held this pathetic coward that took away his friend. Memories of Cassie flooded his already overwhelmed mind. Nick could hear her laugh and still see her smile. However these thoughts turned grim as he remembered seeing her laying on the morgue slab and the idea of someone using her as a punching bag did not sit well with him either. He finished his beer and tossed on the floor of his truck with the others._

 _He knew he should not be here. He knew what he was about to do wouldn't end well. It couldn't end well. He was determined not to be stopped until he got what you came here for, there was no turning back. He could hear Cassie begging him to leave but the thought of her gone or on the autopsy table infuriated him more quieting her pleas._

 _Nick gets out of his truck taking off his tie throwing it thru the open window. His jacket soon followed, as he walks over to the house he begins to roll up his sleeves. He swayed a little as the alcohol started to make him a little unsteady on his feet. His appearance was already very disheveled. He hadn't slept or eaten in days. As he approaches the door he lets out a vicious growl as he kicks the door down, almost sending off its hinges. The man at the center of Nick's attention stumbles holding his bloody nose._

 _"Mr. Jameson Furze, remember me?" Nick said as he stood in front of the young man. Nick had met him once, only briefly, at Cassie's graduation. Nick remembered the way they looked at each other. It pays to be observant._

 _Furze got scared and choose to ignore the pain in his nose and try to run with emphasis on the word try. Nick grabbed his and threw him against the wall, punching him hard across the face. Nick brought his fist back to swing again, but Furze ducked right in time, sending Nick's hand deep in the drywall. Furze crawled away digging in the end table as Nick struggle to pull his hand from the wall._

 _Once Nick yanked his hand free from the wall he turned his attention back to Furze was now aiming a gun at Nick. Nick just smiled as he continued to walk towards Furze._

 _"Get back... or I'll shoot." Furze said with a fear stricken voice. Nick just chuckled, even when Furze clicked the safety off. "I'm serious." He said but Nick walked closer until the weapon was just about pressing against his chest._

 _"What makes you think I have any intention of leaving this house alive? I know you killed Cassie." Nick said coldly. Nick knew that he could very well die in this house, and he had already accepted that several beers ago._

 _Nick pushed the gun away and punched Furze in the side of the head. Furze fell dropping the gun. Nick repeatedly kicked Furze's side and head. Furze tried to crawl away and Nick kicked him again in the ribs knocking the wind out of him. Nick took his focus off of Furze and turned it to the new found pain in his hand. His fingers were swollen and hand was already bruising as he shook it out. Furze crawled away. Nick reached out and pulled Furze back by his belt. Pulling furze to his feet. Furze turned and Nick heard a gun shot. His ear began ringing. Nick punched Furze again in the face as he heard another shot._

 _Nick felt a burning sensation tear away at his side. Nick doubled off bringing his hand to his side. Nick stood again. Furze was reaching for the gun again, and Nick kicked him in the face. Nick took the gun and grabbed Furze by the throat. Nick began choking and dragging Furze into the next room._

 _"LVPD!" Nick heard. He turned his head but said nothing. He released some pressure off of Furze's throat, but kept a firm grip still. Nick lifted his head and saw Crawford and Finn coming in with their guns drawn._

 _"No one has been shot. Jameson tried, but it was too much gun for him... Wasn't it?"_

Nick shakes his head as if forcing himself to finally see the reality of what was going on. The facade came down. He felt a little dizzy as if he was standing on a boat. He could not help but think how good a shot of whiskey would taste or feel. Why settle for a shot? A drink? How about the whole bottle? He shakes the thought from his head. He thinks about calling Father Thomas or Ms. Robbins, but he cannot bring himself to do so. Not only was his phone destroyed. He felt too ashamed.

Nick looks up and sees the bar. The more he looked at the bar, the more appealing it became. Nick stands, staggering a bit. He takes a step forward when he feels a coolness in his hand. He sees a half full bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. He's in shock as he studies the bottle. Nick shrugs his shoulders. He furrows his brows and goes to cross the street.

"Nick, what are you doing?" He heard a comforting voice call out to him.

* * *

Please Review! Who's come to Nick's rescue? Is it too late. Sorry, I have not updated in awhile. I've been very busy. Anyway, tell me what you think.


	8. An Obdurate Sinner

For Cassie: Recovery

The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.

* * *

 **An Obdurate Sinner**

She rubs her lips together hoping that the lipstick has spread evenly. She was never really into makeup, but she was meeting up with some old friends who were going to be in town. She knows they'll be dressed to the nines. The lipstick was red, which popped off her fair complexion. She smelt like a mixture of perfume and hairspray. She had a black sequin tank top with a tight leather coat, and black jeggings. She took her cell phone and clutch and left to have a night out.

As she got older the idea of bar hopping became less exciting. She was having fun with her friends, but was mindful of the fact that she only saw them every so often. She took these friends in small doses. She laughed at a joke and saw a silhouette of a man stumbling as he struggled to get to his feet. At first she thought nothing of it besides this is Vegas. Drunks stumbling around is nothing new. However she continues to stare, there was something different. The man takes a step into the light and she sees him. She immediately breaks away from the group and goes to him.

"Nick, what are you doing?" She asked, and he turned to face her. Her eyes grew wide when she sees him. He was holding a bottle of some off brand whiskey. His appearance was disheveled. His shirt was stained, and she saw some blood smears.

"Mandy... Whoa, you look great." He said hiccuping. His eyes explored her, as she became overwhelmingly self conscious.

"What are you doing?" She said taking the bottle from him. He chuckled. "What did you do?" She said touching his shirt.

"Huh..." He replied back. He looked down at his shirt touching the stains. "I... I... Don't know..." He said staggering a bit. "I didn't do... I didn't do that."

"Are you drunk?" She said her voice was unable to hide her annoyance. Nick stiffened up.

"Yeah... And? I fell off the wagon." He said reaching for the bottle, but Mandy kept it away. She dumped our the precious brown liquid on the ground. Nick furrowed his brows and clenched his jaw.

"Let me call..."

"No! I'm tired of talking! I don't want to talk about it anymore..." His yell quickly turned to a shaky demand. Mandy put the bottle down and showed her hands. "Just go on get." Nick said pointing away, before walking away.

"Nick, I can't do that."

"Why? Why do you care?" Nick said facing to her. She could smell the whiskey on his breath.

"Because Nick. I am your friend. I don't want you to do something you will regret... Are you hurt? Are you alright?" She asked.

"No..." He said sitting down in the street. Mandy quickly follows nervously hoping that Nick wouldn't get hit by a car.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" Mandy asked. Nick shook his head as he laid back.

"What's wrong with me?" He whispered covering his face. A car honked causing Mandy to jump out of her skin. She waved the car to go around.

"You've had a stressful day, Nick... But you can't lay in the road. Someone might hit you." She pleaded but was met by a belly laugh. She became worried and confused. She could see a red mark on his cheek that was starting to become more prominent. "Nick?" She asked as he got back up. She was unsure whether it was from the explosion or from something else.

"Would it just be better if I went inside?" He said pointing at the bar. She remained silent. He chuckled again running his hands through his hair. He turned to continue towards the bar but Mandy grabbed his arm. Nick pushed her back.

"Nick..." She said startled that he pushed her.

"Leave me alone." He said coldly, as he turned around. Nick turned and Mandy pulled her phone out. Nick took a step and was nearly hit by a car as it came to a screeching halt. He was blinded by the headlights and the driver laid on the horn. Nick punched the hood of the car. Mandy pulls him back and the car speeds off.

"What do you think you are doing?" Mandy asked frustrated.

"I'm trying to get a drink! You wouldn't get it... No one does." Nick said pulling away, and was met by a harsh stare.

"You're right. I don't understand... We don't understand. You don't let us understand. Instead of letting us be there for you, you are too busy shutting everyone out. You're not letting us. We can't help you, if you don't want us too."

"What am I suppose to do?! I try to talk to people, but it is hard, because I know they see me as crazy or a disaster waiting to happen. Because I know that is what I am, don't you see? I have tried everything. I try to keep my mind busy. I work out. I tried drawing, writing, reading... And nothing. No changes. This feeling... Continues to eat away at me. I tried medication and felt even worst! What am I suppose to do?! How am I suppose to feel?" Nick argued.

"Nick, you been through a lot. No one is saying different, but we can't tell you how to feel because we don't know... That's for you to tell us."

"How?" Nick asked exhausted.

But before Mandy could answer they heard sirens and saw the reflection of emergency lights. There was no doubt that in her mind that they were coming to them. For him.

* * *

Please Review! What do you think?


	9. Break

For Cassie: Recovery

The aftermath of Cassie's death still have some residual effects on Nick and the team. One year later, what has changed? But what happens when something threatens his sobriety? We are only as sick as our secrets.

* * *

 **Break**

Mandy reaches and grabs the hem of his shirt pulling it off, and grabbed the empty whiskey bottle discarding them as the sirens grew louder. She told her friends to scram as they watched the scene unfold with mixed emotions. She turned around and saw the patrol unit pull up to her and Nick. Two officers got out of the vehicle. Mandy did not recognize the officers but judging by Nick's chuckle she assumed he did.

"Still running the beat... Mr. Clean? I mean... Hank..." Nick said chuckling.

"Shut up," the bald headed officer said with a harsh scowl. "We've gotten numerous reports of a couple fighting in the street... Not to mention a BOLO out for someone matching your description." The officer said grabbing Nick separating them.

"A BOLO for what?" Nick said putting his hands on the back of the patrol vehicle.

"An assault. Not to far from here. Know anything about that?"

"Nope." Nick said looking over to see Mandy speaking with the other police officer.

"Officer, I'm just trying to bring him home. We are not in a relationship. No one hit anyone. We were just friends arguing... He's had a really bad day." Mandy pleaded.

"We have a BOLO out for a person that matches his description for an assault." The officer said.

"Assault?"

"Yes. Outside of the Brew Bar. A man was beaten badly and then was left in the roadway."

"Oh gosh. That's terrible. You don't think Nick did it? Do you?" Mandy pleaded crossing her arms looking apologetic. "He's had his moments but he's not a violent man, officer."

"How'd you get that bruise on your face?" The bald officer asked Nick.

"Your mother's thighs..." Nick said softly. Nick was then slammed into the trunk as the other officer came over. "Alright... Alright..." Nick said surrendering. His battered body could not take much more.

"What we're you and her fighting about?" The other officer asked Nick.

"I... I messed up and she wanted me to go home... I didn't want too..." He confessed and felt the grips on his wrists and neck loosen. "I didn't hit her, and she didn't hit me... I didn't hit anyone." He said surprisingly sober. They heard the radio squawk.

"I swear. I'll bring him home." Mandy said. The officer released his grip and the bald officer pushed Nick towards Mandy. Nick stumbled but stayed standing.

"Bring him home." The officer said. Mandy nodded relieved. The bald officer continued to stare Nick down.

"Thank you!" She said but as she looked up she saw Nick blow the bald officer a kiss. "Stop. Are you trying to go to jail?" She whispered elbowing him.

"I ain't got no beer this time." Nick chuckled.

"Stop..." She said again as she discreetly held him back.

"Are you trying to get locked up?" The bald officer said aggressively.

"I haven't done anything... Don't y'all got some parking tickets to write?!" Nick said still looking for a fight. Nick could no longer hear Mandy's pleas for him to stop. He wanted to fight. Nick took a step forward but Mandy pulled him away and towards her. She kisses him. She feels Nick relax. She lets Nick go, and takes ahold of his hand.

"I'll bring him home." She says practically dragging him away. She did not want the officers to change their mind. Luckily, Mandy's car was nearby. She had not planned on doing much drinking and was too frugal to pay for a cab, or to spend ten bucks on a drink.

The car ride was less eventful than the street fight. Mandy had many questions about what happened before she found him. She did not know what bruises were new and what were old. Nick held his head and just looked out the window. Mandy was not even sure if he was awake. His body and psyche were run down. He just felt like giving up.

"I'm sorry." Nick whispered still looking out the window. She was not sure what to say. She could see his sadness. He sought out the relief that he once found at the end of the bottle but judging by his shaky hands e found no relief. "I just... I... I don't know..." He said defeated. "I have had a shitty couple days..." When they approached Nick's house there was a car out in front of his house that he recognized. He sighed, as Mandy saw all of Lauren's belongings on the porch. She saw Lauren and her parents trying to gather her things.

"Bad break up?" Mandy asked, and Nick chuckled. Mandy watched the suppressed anger take control of him again.

Mandy did not want to be in Nick's business, but she also did not want Nick to get in trouble. The usual thoughtful man had a fuck the world attitude at the moment. Nick leaves the car and is almost immediately met by an angry Lauren.

"Who is she?" Lauren asked but Nick did not answer as he just pushed past her. "Are you kidding me, Nick?!" She said upset.

"Stop." Nick said coldly but she could see that he was upset... And drunk.

"Are you drunk?!"

"Leave!" Nick yelled trying to get past her but she grabbed him.

"You are, aren't you?" She said frustrated. "Typical." She said under her breath and that word had struck a nerve in his brain and lit a fire that he had not felt before.

"Typical?!" He yelled walking up to Lauren.

"Hey, now, you listen here! You need..." Lauren's father said marching over but was interrupted by Nick grabbing ahold of his throat. The noise gave everyone goosebumps. The scene began unfolding in a terrifying manner, between the gasps by Lauren's father or the cold stare that Nick gave. Lauren attempts to separate them but Nick pushes her away with his other hand. Mandy got out of her car. She held her phone tight unsure what to do or how to help.

"Listen, I have had a real shitty day. I am going to ask nicely once more. Get off off my property before I lose my patience." He said coldly. Nick threw the father towards the gate. Lauren ran to her father's aid as did his wife. "Go!" Nick shouted and Lauren helped her father up and they left just as fast as they came. Nick went into his house slamming the door behind him.

Mandy stood outside alone. She appreciated the quietness. Her adrenaline began running on fumes. She looked in her phone for doc Robbins' wife number not that she expected to have it. Mandy planned on calling someone. She was not sure who, but knew she could not leave Nick like this. Not to mention, she did expect the police to come now. She hears crashing and glass breaking inside his house. Mandy goes inside.

Everything goes quite. Between the nighttime sky and no lighting on inside Nick's house. The darkness was relaxing given the chaotic events that led up to this moment. She heard a faucet and tries to follow the noise while carefully stepping around debris. She decides to ditch her heels hoping to gain more momentum but her bare feet quickly find the broken glass. She turns the corner and sees a light illuminating from the bathroom.

"Nick?" She asks seeing his face buried in the toilet. She sees blood on the counter and wall. The mirror of the medicine cabinet ripped off and destroyed. She took a towel and laid it on the floor hoping to spare her feet. Nick rested against his tub and looked at his bloody hand, and laughed.

"I... I did..." He stuttered. Mandy grabbed a cloth that was near the faucet, and carefully wrapped his hand. "I drank too.. Much.." He burped. Mandy takes her phone out and turns to leave planning to call Sara. "What... What are you doing? Who are you calling?" Nick said reaching for her. He grabs her leg. "Please, don't leave me here."

"Let me call Sara." Mandy said but was met by saddened eyes as Nick looked up at her from his knees.

"Please, don't..." He said ashamed. "I'm... I'm okay, now. I got it out of my system... I just needed.. Needed a... Break."

"A break? You were almost arrested, and you destroyed your house? That is not a break."

"I'm an asshole alcoholic with a shitty coping mechanism. Don't make your expectations too high. I'm fine now." He said staggering to his feet.

"Fine? You call this fine?" She argued. Nick made a face.

"I don't know, what you want from me? I've worked so hard... And nothing. I just need a break." Nick said falling to his knees hanging his head in defeat.

"You won't get a break here." Mandy said looking around at the scattered criminalistic books, journals, and old copies of case files. Nick's home looked like an extension of his office. She heard Sam whimpering as he came up to Nick and sat with him.

"I know." He said hanging his head.

"I have a place... I have a place that is far away from here. You can stay there as long as you need. You can even bring Sam. Go pack a bag, and we can go." Mandy said pulling the words out of brain as she went.

"Thank you..." He whispered as reached out and hugged her.

* * *

Sorry for the wait. Let me know what you think!


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